“Our lockdown is worse”

Satire

Frustrations regarding lockdown have grown but it’ll get worse before it gets better. People have a lot to say, about the lockdown.

“I could always eat, “ shares tempted millenial. “I thought I couldn’t get lonelier,” comments a puzzled student on Zoom. “At the end, it’ll all be worth it. Right?” he doubts. “I wish we can fast-forward time, ya know? But such is luck” frowns Ben.

“Killing time has never been easier,” says Taylor, optimistic Netflix enthusiast. “I would’ve never known you can own tigers like that, ” she adds. “I truly understand my cat now, ” says Emma, trapped, “and boredom.”

“I’m using my room more, ” says Raj, a disheveled developer in boxers. “And toilet paper, ” he adds. “I should’ve started my digging career earlier, ” says Tyler, awed by his backyard.

“People are dying but at least we can eat out, ” says Wendy’s enthusiast, Tricia. “You can’t tell me what to do. I am free to make my own choices.” shouts unaware Stuart, obese in a wheelchair.

“I never thought repelling people would be easier, “ says housemate with strong BO. “I don’t remember much of 2020. I knew it existed, for sure. Thinking about it, I don’t remember 2021 either, ” says Frank.

“At least we can protect our Blacks while killing them, ” says a disgruntled Minneapolis cop. “People are at home but robberies have gone up. So we’re still on our toes,” informs Bart, a local policeman. “Yet you never know who’s around the corner, ” adds his incisive partner.

“It is scientifically proven that Covid kills fewer outdoors. Fuck masks,” comments Joe Rogan, a wise moron. “I have never been fitter. I am running more, because of the lockdown. I got into calisthenics. Ketosis. Juicing. Zoloft. Life isn’t guaranteed, you know.” beams Traeger.

“Vaccines in veins, ” says Riley, a Democrat New Yorker. “People need to get out to get vaccinated, ” says lockdown proponent Premier, now. “Health is paramount, and lifting can wait, ” recommends trainer, Mike, concerned.

“I can’t get enough of my loving husband, ” says a wife concealing irk. “Patience. That’s what I tell all my Karate students. And practice.” contributes Ken, a sensei. “I learned hoarding. Looting. Rioting. So, summer wasn’t too bad.” comments Jack, vandal with a bandana mask.

“I won’t march for women but I will for freedom because that’s what’s truly important, ” says a lockdown protester. “People die every day. Boo hoo, ” he adds. “We had it worse, ok? We were indoors for like, so long. Like 4 months. Or 6.” says Becca, a Brit free from lockdown.

“And the thing is, Bill Gates told us. Scientists warned us. But we never listen. Climate change is real guys, and we won’t stop protesting for it.” shouts Alice to her concerned companions on camera.

“Yea. We’ve had a recession. Or a couple. But we’ll bounce back, “ says an unsure box office clerk. “We’ve only lost 3 people. In the last week. So, it could be worse, ” she adds. “I’m living large off my offs now. I just spent 2 weeks in the Alps. I am compensating. Big-time.” says Chris after his vaccines free from quarantine.

“I am so shocked. It has only exposed flaws in governance. Trump fucked it. In case you were living under a rock the last 4 years.” blames John Oliver to the laughing audience. “So, we started a campaign to lock down people out in lock-down. I am sure the government has money for prisons.” Audience roars.

Variety writer